Pardon Me, My Weakness Is Showing (109)

No excuses, not from me.  I take responsibility and ownership for my choices.  Some are great, some are truly not so great, but it ultimately comes down to ME and what I choose to eat or not eat. 

And sometimes, I know better, but want to do it anyway.

This evening, I ordered my all-time favorite vegetable wrap for dinner.  The veggies are all grilled over hickory wood (open flame), and piled onto a whole wheat wrap, drizzled with balsamic vinegar, and rolled to perfection.  The "normal" version of this amazingly tasty sandwich has some goat cheese spread inside the wrap, before the veggies go on it. 

I love goat cheese.  Shoot, I just love cheese - nearly all cheese. 

None of this sits well on a low-fat diet, of course.  It is the hardest thing for me to pass up, given that cheese is the one food I would want with me, if stranded on an island somewhere.

So, nowadays, when I treat myself to this vegetable wrap, I order it without cheese.  And it is still good ...

But tonight, as I was contemplating my order, the thought that came front and cener is that no matter how good this sandwich is, it is THAT much better with the goat cheese.  It just elevates that sandwich to an entirely new plain.  And my mouth started watering, just thinking about it.

The waiter came to take the order, just at that very moment.  I felt so weak ...

And so, I placed my order for this veggie wrap - without cheese, as usual (these days).

Oh, I came thisclose to ordering it the way God (or at least the chef) intended.  Trust me.

So, what stopped me, in my moment of weakness?

It was a combination of things that flickered across my mind. 

First, if I give in to my wants, I am sacrificing my needs.  I need to get healthy.  Which is more important?  The temporary taste of something amazing, or my health and my weight loss goal? 

Second, was fear that this could be a trigger food that will ultimately lead to "one more" thinking - one more off-plan meal, one more taste of xyz, one more day of indulgence.  That sort of thinking has helped launch a million diet failures.  Do I really want to go there? 

Third, who is in charge here?  The me who knows what I need to do and how to do it, or the me who wants to stomp her foot and have what she wants, when she wants it?  Time to grow up and start saying no to myself when it counts.

Fourth, I knew I'd have to face myself, and my decision, eventually.  If I ordered my beloved wrap the way I love it most, would I still be happy with myself in the morning?  Or would I be irritated that I followed an old familiar pattern?  (Definitely irritated - yep.)   And how would I feel about that?  I just don't want to disappoint myself.  It is one thing to mess up accidentally, quite another entirely, to do something purposefully, which I know I shouldn't be doing.  I didn't want to let myself down.   

Blogland is filled with weakness postings.  And I know I'll have my fair share, but (I hope) they will be truly rare and unusual occurences.  I'm working like crazy to make them so anyway.  Too often, those weakness posts become patterns.  And, too rare are those posts that talk about overcoming weaknesses.   We all have them - temptations, weaknesses, cravings - but, in my case, I have to learn to overcome those, if I want to reach and maintain my goal.  It is about training myself, retraining myself, to live my healthiest life, happily.


DDDY13 Update:

Calories today:  1,443

Water today:  8

Day 109, and working hard to overcome my weaknesses.